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NEW LIZ ON LIFE

2012-01-06T08:13:00.001-08:00

In exciting roster news, the Pen & Pencil Club softball front office has succeeded in replacing the unfortunate defection of Dr. Liz Higgins for the coming 2012 Center City Softball League season.
Please welcome Liz Gabor to the team. As you know, much of the delay in the search was to, in fact, find another "Liz" because the general manager insisted we could not spring for a new team beer cozy with some other name on it.
New Liz works at the Philadelphia Industrial Development Corporation (and plays for the PIDC softball team) and also finds time to work about three soccer leagues into her busy schedule. Liz did her drinking practice at Fordham University and in grad school at Penn. She will fit in nicely.
Liz has been signed to a one-year, free agent contract. She will wear No. 10 and play anywhere she damn pleases. Join me in extending a laurel and hearty handshake upon her arrival.

PARTY HATS AND SUCH

2011-11-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

There was a good turnout for the surprise party/roast at the club thrown on Wednesday night in honor of Dan Kenney, our faithful club manager and bartender who is celebrating his 21st year with the Pen & Pencil.
Among the team luminaries on hand, were general manager Chris Brennan, wearing both his club president hat and a perfect Manhattan most of the night, Mike Galan, Tom DiNardo, Ron Goldwyn, Ellen Kenney (natch), Kathy Matheson, Kerry O’Connor, Brian Donlen, B.J. Clark and Tom Hickey. (Oh, yeah. He showed up for this.) The Management was also there and said a few complimentary things about Dan and uncomplimentary things about our fine team, none of which Danny heard even with the amplifier on, but nevertheless. A good time.
In other club news, our own Julie Dugan was quoted in this ESPN.com article about the positives of wearing a skirt as part of a team uniform. I don’t know how the writer got her name, but there she was. (Come to think of it, I’m not sure how the writer got my name, but that’s another story entirely.)
This got me to thinking and, yes, we will all be wearing skirts next season. New hats, too, and Julie is modeling one of them in the photo.
Lastly, the annual team party is still in the planning stages, according to Brennan. It will not be a surprise and there will be no speeches. Brennan is still promising surf and turf, though, and he’s a journalist, so you can trust him.

DOGS, CHILDREN AND SWALLOWS

2011-11-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

The Pen & Pencil Club officially concluded its on-field endeavors Oct. 15 with a season-ending friendly against the Valanni Swallows, and let's just go ahead and get the bad jokes out of the way right now: We sucked.
Not that there was anything wrong with that. It was a beautiful day on Edgeley 8 and no one ran into the soccer goals in left field or behind first base. A few weeks have passed, so I'm not even terribly sure of the final score. I think it was something like 19-7. We played nine innings and could have played 90, but we weren't going to do much better. The Swallows are a very capable team, even if they do play in another league, and fortunately everyone was out for a good time.
We did win the beer sweepstakes, I believe, and finish the season almost undefeated in that category. It might be that we never matched the 16-ounce Pabst consumption of Franklin Institute, but we had loftier goals. During the Valanni friendly, we went through at least two cases of beer and that was an accomplishment since it was damn chilly by the end and, since it was an afternoon game, there was no option for peeing in the postgame darkness.
The details of the game are a bit hazy. Our highlight, without question, was a triple over the left fielder's head by Ron Goldwyn, who immediately announced his retirement. We should all go out with such a hit, although I think he'll rethink it over the winter.
Next up for us, according to general manager Chris Brennan is the fabulous 3rd annual Pen & Pencil Softball Party! It will be held at the refurbished club and, according to Chris now, it looks like a lobster and tenderloin night, considering our dramatic improvement this season. I said we'd be happy with a less sumptious spread, but he's insisting. Who are we to argue?
The date for the P&PSP is still being determined. Chris has been in contact with the Maine Lobstermen's Association to see when the best catch will be available.
Stay tuned for more information and make sure to get yourself a bib.

WHATEVER WORKS, WATERWORKS

2011-08-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

So, here’s the deal. Every year we schedule a friendly against the WaterWorks Restaurant, which might actually be Water Works, or might be Waterworks. It’s the restaurant on Kelly Drive right near the Art Museum and if anyone ever went there, then we’d probably know the proper name of the joint.
Mostly, it’s a dinner spot for Uncle Leo’s 90th birthday party, or a wedding reception location picked out by some bride who hates her father. Everyone eats the chicken parm and goes home. Craig LaBan, the Barefoot Pirate, went there not too long ago and wrote a review that was not entirely complimentary. And didn’t even mention the softball team.
Anyway, we schedule this game because Tom Brennan, brother of our own general manager, Chris Brennan, works at the restaurant and the two of them like to have something to fight over during Thanksgiving dinner aside from the last remaining turkey leg. In the past, both have emerged bloody and filthy from these softball games. They are blood brothers, but not all of it is good apparently.
Nevertheless, we play every year. I believe this was the fourth year and we remain undefeated, having won again on Monday night at Edgeley 8 by a score of 13-2 that does not properly reflect the ass-kicking we imparted.
The most notable aspect of this year’s affair – actually there were several, but we’ll get to them – was that Tom didn’t bother to attend the game. “He went to the shore,” Chris reported, having gotten this information from someone else on the Wawaworks team. “I guess that’s why he didn’t answer any of my phone calls today.”
Not entirely sure what to make of that. It’s kind of like throwing a party for someone who decides, “Ah, I’ll go to Home Depot instead.” I mean, we set up the date of the fucking game a month ago. It’s not like they just opened Long Beach Island last week.
Also notable was that the Management guessed wrong on the field, and we had to move from Dairy 4 and the Plague of a 1,000 Soccer Players to Edgeley 8, which was populated only by an equal number of Canada geese and their slimy green reminders. Everyone finally got the word and we did, in fact, play a softball game.
Our side straggled in just after the start, augmenting our rolling batting order until we had 16 in the lineup, which made scorekeeping difficult for Danny, particularly since the Management was much more concerned about grilled pork byproducts and the thing basically went into disarray.
I know that Steve Lynch hit a bomb, Brian Donlen had three or four hits, as did Mike Galan and Brennan. Marcus Hayes had a bomb, too, as did Mark Nevins, and Jon Snyder rocketed a triple down the left field line (more on that later). In fact, as I look at the scoresheet – which is kind of jumbled – I think everyone reached safely. For posterity, the batting order was: DiNardo, Snyder, O’Connor, Krause, Lynch, Donlen, Galan, Kenney, Brennan, Cascarella, Ford (until the grill heated up), Dugan, Clark, Nevins, Hayes, Matheson.
Amazingly enough, we still batted around four times, with the highlight a six-run second inning in which Dugan had the big RBI hit with two outs. Other than that, individual highlights are a little difficult to decipher. B.J. Clark made a nifty pirouette to avoid a routine ground ball at third base. Nevins and Hayes shut the door on the mound in relief of the Management.
Now, for the other side. Here’s the AguaObras lineup as recorded by Danny: Black Bandana, Green Calvary, White Network, College, Brunette, Yellow PSSC, Pitcher, CCCP, Black T, Phillies Shirt, Beige, Yellow, Gray. We had very little issue with most of the players – and were particularly fond of Yellow and Beige – but Yellow PSSC yapped about some dumb stuff, probably because he kept popping out all game was upset, understandably, because this was a very important game, and then didn’t shake hands afterward and stomped to his car right away. And you wonder why the place doesn’t get Three Bells. He’d probably be in a worse mood if we told him they were trounced by a team that kind of sucks in its league.
I suppose we’ll do this again next year. The hot dogs were good (reach back, pat vigorously), even if Brennan hasn’t paid for them yet. We had fun, and we’re above .500 on the season now. We’ll try to keep our heads above water when we play what will probably be our final friendly of the season against Kerry’s gay friends. That one hasn’t been scheduled yet. Get your running in and stay ready.

DAN SAID NO!

2011-08-03T19:38:00.001-07:00

Still not sure I understand why, but Dan McElhatton refused to be part of the Pen & Pencil photo from the Aug. 2 Center City Softball League's All-Star Game. He was there. He still hasn't shaved. But no photos. Well, whatever.
A number of real and imagined All-Stars showed up to represent the Fighting Red Inks of the P&P at the CCSL's annual All-Star Game. Ron was there for a while, but left to scarf up free food elsewhere, no doubt, so no photo for him, either.
Good time for all. Our side won decisively, with Pen & Pencil participation making the big difference. At least, that's how I kept score.
Hickey was there with the girlfriend. B.J., also with the girlfriend. Are they trying to drive them away? Here's a good time, honey. Let's go to Edgeley 8 and watch drunks play softball. Whatever.
The season is officially done now, but we are still going to schedule a friendly vs. Brennan's brother's team, the restauant guys who won't bring any food. And we're going to also schedule a game against the gay team that likes Kerry. Wouldn't be right otherwise.
Those might be September. We'll see. Many emails between then and now.

ALL-STAR GAME!!!!

2011-07-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

It's almost All-Star Game time. The annual CCSL celebration of cookout/snacks/beer combined with at least a little softball will be held Tuesday, Aug. 2, starting around 6 p.m. at Edgeley 8. This is our league-wide party and it's a great time.
I lost the email that tells us which three teams are our teammates for the night. Doesn't really matter. The lines get blurry by the end of the evening.
Our official All-Stars for the game -- expected to arrive in full team kit, with their gloves -- are Brian Donlen, Mark Nevins, George Miller, Steve Lynch and Julia Dugan. Congratuations to them. It was a tough call by the committee, but I think you'll agree that all are worthy representatives.
That said, the tradition of the CCSL All-Star Game is that anyone who shows up and wants to play usually plays. I seem to remember Ron getting something like six at-bats last year.
Anyway, hope to see as many of you as possible there. The league provides the food stuff. We bring the beverages. The team cooler will be there, but if you want to augment the supplies, that would be recommended. Otherwise, we'll have to drink the Franklin's PBRs.
Stay tuned for updates on friendlies vs the Waterworks and Kerry's gay buddies. We may be finished, but we're never done.

TIME TO PUT THIS ONE OUT OF ITS MISERY

2011-07-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, that’s our own Dr. Elizabeth Higgins, operating on what appears to be some sort of large, unconscious mammal -- probably an outfielder from the Tap Room.
Lizzy left us this season to pursue her life’s work, which apparently doesn’t include gamboling about Fairmount Park in spandex tights. More the pity.
That’s was the toughest loss of the season, but, alas, not the only one. The Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil Club, freshly attired in the spiffiest kit that the bouncing checks of Chris Brennan could buy, finished the season dead level in the Center City Softball League. Seven win, seven losses. Finished fifth, just missed the playoffs. Oh, well.
It is time for reflection as The Management comes to the end of his five-year contract, not knowing whether to hope for an extension. We improved this season from a rather dismal 5-9 showing in 2010 and could have had a much better record with a couple of small breaks here and there.
In the five-year Management term, the team is 34-36 in the regular season. Had we eked out the final win of the season against the Collar (a tedious 15-14 loss), then we’d be exactly .500 over that span. So, it appears that might be who we are in this league. Much better than some teams, but not willing to pack the roster like some others who desperately need to emerge winners in a co-ed, beer-on-the-field, no-umpire softball league. I kind of like who we are and who we have, even Nevins most of the time.
You can glance over to the right and read the season’s results as well as I can, but that stretch of six games that began with the fourth game of the season against Art was some of the best softball we’ve ever played – and we went 2-4. Three of the losses were in extra innings, two to the Tap Room, one to the Art Museum. We also beat the Art in extras during this stretch.
Not to bring back too many painful reminders, but in the first loss to the Tap, we scored twice in the sixth to tie the game and left the go-ahead run in scoring position. We get that run home and we win. Against the Art, they tied the game in the seventh on a phantom tag-up at third base that never happened. Against the Tap again, we had a lead in the top of the seventh and needed just three outs to win. Didn’t get them, and we put the winning run on third base with two outs in the bottom of the inning and didn’t get it home.
If we get those games, we’ve got a 10-4 season. Of course, if pigs had wings our windshields would be a lot messier.
Instead we go 7-7 and just miss the playoffs, finishing right behind the Collar. They held their own in the playoff semifinal against the Tap, losing 10-8 and felt pretty good about their season, except for Spence who probably hurt himself again. I think we could have done the same thing given the chance, and perhaps more. That’s why they make a next year, one supposes.
That brings us to the awards portion of our program, the annual announcement of the coveted PeePees. A small, tasteful drumroll, please.
THE TOM HICKEY MEMORIAL ATTENDANCE AWARD – Yes, it’s Hickey again, a clear winner in the voting. He actually made it to two games this season, doubling his 2010 attendance. Quite an effort from the big guy and we appreciate it.
THE PATTY POPLOWSKI PLAYING HURT AWARD – This one was close, but it goes to Brian Donlen, mostly because he came right out of the gate this season and got hurt in the opening game just to show he meant business. He managed to fall over first base in the lid lifter against Fleisher, and that set the tone for the year. Honorable mention to Dan Rubin, who got a cortisone shot in his left arm so he could throw, played first base all season in excruciating numbness and, as far as I can remember, never once had to throw a ball.
THE BAND OF BROTHERS AWARD – To Kerry O’Connor and Steve Lynch, for wearing their P&P hats rather than their B and NY hats, which are really annoying for the rest of us. Next season, we’re going to work on the accents.
THE ANSEL ADAMS DOCUMENTARY AWARD -- To Jon Snyder for his tireless photographic record of the season, in between exceptionally good play in the field and at the plate. This blog would not be the award-winning enterprise it has become without his work. Particular kudos for the motor-drive capture of that Bishop’s Collar runner taking out Sheila Ballen at second base. Also, for coming through when he received this e-mail request: “I need a picture of a hoagie that looks like a penis, or vice versa.”
THE GOLDEN SPIKES AWARD – B.J. Clark, naturally. He tore up little Al’s shoe rounding second base against the Tap. Hey, if they made rubber cleats in his size, he’d wear those instead.
THE DEATH BEFORE DISCOLOR AWARD – Julie Dugan, who, instructed to slide as she approached third base on a close play, responded (while still running), “That’s not happening. I’ve got three more weddings this summer.”
THE ONCE I WAS LOST, NOW I AM FOUND AWARD: Lynch’s glove, on several occasions.
THE I’LL JUST COACH THIRD AND GROWL AT THEM AWARD: Dan McElhatton, who did just that much of the time, and started scaring even us. It was probably the beard.
THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD: Russ Krause, for his dependable hitting, very good outfield play and, most of all, because he was the only one.
THE RON GOLDWYN SCOREKEEPING AWARD: Ron Goldwyn, who not only keeps an impeccable book, but often brings helpful information to The Management, like: “It might be a good idea to get a couple of runs here.”
THE UPHILL CLIMB AWARD: To Mike Galan on the steep slope of Dairy 2 when he attempted to carry a full chest cooler of beer, ice and water while wearing earth shoe sandals or some such thing. Mike went down, but the beer stayed inside the cooler. Yes!
THE GEORGE MILLER FOUL BALL AWARD: Miller, 167 this season, breaking his own record of 143. He’s going to have his work cut out for him next season.
THE FIELDING GEM OF THE SEASON AWARD: Might have to take a poll on this one. First, we’ve got that unassisted double play against the Tap when Brennan backhanded an absolute laser to first base then dived headlong onto the base to double off the runner. That had style points. Then there was the DP started by Marcus Hayes that saved the game against Art Museum. A liner off the Management’s glove that Hayes caught in the air at short and gunned to Brennan to double off someone who really shouldn’t have been running at all. I think there was a third candidate, but I can’t remember it. Someone in the outfield must have caught a ball at some point. Whatever.
All right. That’s enough. It was a fun year with a lot of good games and, fortunately for us, that’s pretty much what we do every season and will probably do again in 2012. Yikes.
We still plan to play a friendly or two in August when we get our act together, and don’t forget the Tuesday, Aug. 2 CCSL All-Star Game and cookout. Everyone is invited. It’s a great time. Lots of food provided by the league. We’ll have the team coolers there, but you probably want to bring some beer, too. The selection committee is still working on our official representatives, but the rule is that if you want to play, wear your shirt, bring your glove and just sort of walk out on the field. Everyone plays.

A GOOD MASSAGE, BUT NO HAPPY ENDING

2011-07-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

The regular season came to a close for the Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil Club on Monday night at battled-scarred Edgeley 4. Regrettably, the regular season is the only one we qualified for this year, but we weren’t eliminated until the very end of the very last game. So there.
We lost 15-14 to our old rival Bishop’s Collar in a game so close that each team was 26-for-47 at the plate. That seems impossible, but Ron’s scorebook doesn’t lie, even if Ron had to go to his car in the fifth inning to monitor a radio interview by West Philly Prime Minister Chaka Kahn. Either that or he was checking traffic on the twos.
Unfortunately, we didn’t need a close game. We needed a blowout win to tie BC in the standings and offset a testy loss earlier in the season. That didn’t turn out to be the case, but we played well, gave them all they wanted and came within a hit here and a catch there of finishing the season with a win. Oh fucking well.
For those who have committed our previous results to memory, it was no surprise that we jumped out to an early lead on the Prelate’s Neckbands. In the first game, which turned out to be a 17-9 loss, we jumped out to an 8-1 lead and then went into coast mode. This one was different, but we did score seven runs in the first inning – visions of the playoffs! – and held a 10-6 lead after three innings.
At that point, alas, Bishop’s Collar broke through for an eight-spot, batting around plus one, and doing their normal, annoying, single, single, single, etcetera thing. We chucked the ball around a little and they kept running and, well, took a 14-10 lead that became 15-10 an inning later.
In the sixth inning, however, we broke through for four runs to make it 15-14 and had we just kept the inning going and put up another nine runs, we would have been in coin flip position to make the postseason. So close. But the inning stopped there and as we came to the plate in the bottom of the seventh trailing by one, the game was still alive but the season was over. We went down quietly, took the L, shook hands, kissed Phyllis and Laniece, drank beer and drove on the field. Ron came back and reported that Prime Minister Kahn had successfully navigated the radio interview.
Three hits each for Mark Nevins (including HR), Brian Donlen, the Management, Dan Rubin (including almost HR), Mike Galan and B.J. Clark. Two hits each for George Miller, Steve Lynch and the General Manager. What else? Good running, twisting catch by Lynch in right center. Very good third base from Galan. Almost successful execution of rundown play. Much better than usual. No teeth lost at shortstop by Donlen. No goddam radio control airplanes. Good foul ball retrieval by Whitmarsh on Edgeley 3.
That’s about it. After I collect my thoughts, there will be a season recap, including the always anticipated P&P Awards. Later this week maybe. We are going to try to have a couple of friendlies. Brennan’s brother wants us to play The Waterworks Restaurant again, and they promise once again to cook and then not actually, you know, cook anything. Kerry has a friend who plays on a gay team and they are looking for friendlies, too. I’ll leave that one where it is.

Eateth All The Hoagies And The Gods Of Softball Will Exact Their Wrath

2011-06-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

The Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil Club took care of business and stayed in playoff contention with a solid 20-11 win over the Zoo on Tuesday evening at immaculate Edgeley 8.
(It has come to my attention that many people, including city of Philadelphia officials, insist that The Edgeley Oval is actually Edgely. No e. I prefer my spelling. I find it more regal. And I am sticking with it. Next season, I also plan to use Belmonte.)
Anyway, yes, a win that boosts us above .500 and ensures a non-losing season for the first time in three years. (Team Motto: Aim Low And You Can’t Miss.) As stated above, we still have a mathematical and a softball-related chance to overtake Bishop’s Collar for the fourth and final playoff spot in the Center City Softball League.
Our final game is Mon., July 11 against the Collar and our fate, as well as a few beers, is in our hands. I’m sure you will get your running in.
Back to Tuesday versus the Wild Animals of the Zoo. We jumped up early, scoring six runs in the opening inning on eight hits from the first nine at-bats in the order. A Marcus Hayes triple was one highlight among many.
In the second, we got really fresh and scored eight runs, all with two out. With two down and a runner on third, the next seven P&P batters reached base in one form or another. It was mostly just line drive singles and station-to-station scoring, but it never stopped. We scored eight and had only one extra-base hit in the inning, a double by George Miller.
It went like that for a while – leaving out Ron’s slow-motion swing and a miss, lose balance, fall down slowly -- and heading into the top of the fifth we held a 16-1 lead. We had added a couple of runs in the fourth on a Mark Nevins home run followed by three hits and a sacrifice fly. Yes, some strandage there.
So, it’s 16-1 and we’re loose, and the goddam Zoo scores nine runs, bats around plus five, and, well, uh-fucking-oh. It’s a messy scorecard, but Ron awarded three errors in the inning. It was one of those innings that we have sometimes, and the Management tossed a few shitty pitches, too.
Well, we’re up six on the Zoo with two innings to play. I’d kind of take that deal. And so it was. We come back for three in the bottom of the inning, all with two out, with big RBI hits by Hayes and Nevins. We get another in the sixth with singles from Jon Snyder, The Management and Brian Donlen, and lead 20-10 heading into the top of the seventh.
We nail it down in six batters, and move into the dusk part of the evening waiting for gunfire from Diamond St.
Stats? We got stats. Four hits for Miller, Nevins and Snyder, each of whom scored three runs. Three hits for Hayes, Donlen and the Management. Two hits for Steve Lynch, and B.J. Clark. Three RBIs for Hayes, Nevins, the Management and Donlen.
Lotta hitting, and good composure in the face of some adversity, mostly self-inflicted. Everyone who showed up also showed up in the scorebook and great efforts from Goldwyn, Mike Galan and Ed Cascarella. Mike and Ed managed not to fall down during their at-bats.
That about covers it. We have one more game together, at least. No team is ever the same from one season to the next. Take a moment to savor what a good group we have.

ALMOST NAILED 'EM

2011-06-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well, we’ve been down this same road many times before and know where it usually ends, in a trickle of regret and a geyser of 16-ounce Pabst Blue Ribbon. Our twice-annual meetings with the Orcs of the Franklin Institute do not describe a gloried past against a team that regards us as a semi-sorta-if-Collar’s-not-available rival.
In fact, it didn’t usually go that well.
From the standpoint of the final score, which is regrettably how they judge these things, Tuesday night under the solstice sky at romantic Dairy 2 didn’t go much better. It didn’t feel that way, though.
The Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil Club gave the Orcs all they wanted before dropping a 14-9 game that was – sportswriter cliché alert – much closer than the score would indicate.
It was a good game against a very good team, Orcs though they are, and then it was time for HOAGIEFEST! Except Ron ate all the goddam hoagies. (More on this later.)
The game. A lot to tell. We scored six runs in the top of the first inning on eight straight hits to start the game against the lovely Pell. I have researched Ron’s team records, dating back to a hot-type roster, and even the papyrus scrolls don’t show a start like that for the P&P/Daily News/Gutenberg franchise.
Well? What could go wrong?
Here’s a clue: We played the rest of the game.
The Franklin chipped back for three runs in the bottom of the first, getting its first four men on base. But that was snuffed out on a pair of fly balls and a nifty groundout turned in by Julie Dugan.
We whiffed in the second and Franklin struck for five more runs to take an 8-6 lead. We gave them an extra out and that opened the door and they took advantage.
The P&P came right back to tie the game 8-8 with two more runs in the third, the last driven home on a sharp single into right by Dan Rubin that plated Chris Yasiejko.
So, tie game heading into the bottom of the fourth and Franklin eked out a run, aided again by an extra out, but starting pitcher Yasiejko minimized the damage by retiring the second and third hitters in the Franklin order – the only outs those two made all night.
The Inkers tied the game at 9-9 in the fifth on an RBI single by Marcus Hayes. George Miller scored on the play, but unfortunately Mark Nevins was gunned down at third to end the inning, even though some people thought, hey, he’s in scoring position at second, why risk it, especially with two outs and, hey, Hickey’s coming up, he’s fucking two-for-two and is rocketing the ball, and, although we didn’t know that then, he did get another fucking hit in his next at bat, three-for-three, but anyway, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, and it took a perfect throw, and those people who said those things were wrong, dead wrong.
Franklin came back for another run to take a 10-9 lead in the bottom of the fifth. Single, fly ball, single, single, single. Yes, they got one run. Yasiejko, with the bases loaded, found a short fly over third that Tom Hickey gloved nicely and then struck out the final batter.
So, it was, after we come up empty, a 10-9 game going into the bottom of the sixth. That’s a good spot to be. We had our chances and they knew it, too. This is, however, the point in the story in which Franklin scores four in the bottom of the sixth to put the game away. We go down in the seventh and you just shake hands, pack up and head for Hoagiefest!!! Except Ron…
Quick breakdown. We had eight hits in the first inning and eight hits total in innings 2-7. That’s not all that good. But Hickey was 3-for-3 with a run batted in. Russ Krause, Steve Lynch, Nevins, Hayes, Yasiejko and Rubin had two hits. Rubin and Hayes each had two RBIs.
Franklin had a bunch of unearned runs and – this is a killer – scored nine of their 14 runs with two outs. If you look at the scorebook, and I don’t recommend it, there were a lot of chances to get out of those innings that just missed happening. Franklin’s top four hitters in the lineup were 13-for-16. The rest of the team was 9-for-26. If we had been just a little better at limiting their at-bats, it would have been a different game. Their last six hitters of the game were their top six hitters, and four of them scored.
Moving on…to Edgeley 8 and the 1st Annual Hoagiefast.
See what I did there? Fast?
Anyway, the scene changes from a gut shot loss to body shots. Is this a great league or what?
Unfortunately, by the time we packed up and got to Edgeley 8 – in, like 10 minutes – the Fleisher Art Memorial and Ron had eaten all the hoagies. Our illustrious former manager and league commissioner, coming from some bogus neighborhood meeting, chose to monitor league activities at Hoagie Central rather than taking in the final crucial innings of our game.
We’ll leave that one for the jury to decide, but, in any case, there were some hoagies for our more-leadfooted teammates, but not for those with bats and balls and bases and coolers and the fucking two clipboards with the color-coded entries and special felt markers and the S hook. No, not for them. They got only to greet Ron with a sprig of lettuce hanging out of the side of his mouth.
The league went out for pizzas and returned with many of them and Hoagiefest became Pizzapalooza. The details of exactly whom went for the pies and how long it took are irrelevant.
And into the night, with all six of the teams that played on Tuesday and representatives of at least one of the others. The festivities deepened, with tiki lights swung about, and Fleisher forming its ancient prayer circle. Then the body shots started, and Whiskey Frank wasn’t even involved, and perhaps that is enough softball for one day.
We are still in a playoff chase with Bishop’s Collar for the last postseason spot. They have a two-game lead in the loss column, but a testy schedule and they have to play us again. First things first. Next Tuesday against the Zoo. See you then. Get your running in.
(Photos by Jon Snyder)

"I better score because I know that chowderhead is going to get thrown out at third."

I JUST WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND

2011-06-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it didn’t look that way from the bench. It looked like the left-center fielder was trotting to the infield to get a clarification on what the shortstop meant when he screamed, “Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!”
Since Russ Krause had a distinct reach and weight disadvantage, it seemed appropriate to intervene before he received this clarification from the terrible, swift right hand of Marcus Hayes.
The Management would like to apologize for any unnecessary drama on the crispy, baked moonscape of Edgeley 8 on Tuesday night, but it’s better to be safe than to be calling Krause’s immediate family to explain that he should have just thrown the fucking ball to third base.
Backed up smartly by B.J. Clark – who apparently took the long way around Edgeley Oval and had just crossed the first-base line when the whole matter was settled – Management put down his beer, and sprinted to the shortstop position, where he was quizzed thusly by Hayes: “What the fuck are you doing out here?”
Having no reasonable answer, it was back to the bench, the beer and the game. Eventually, B.J. made it back, too.
Ah, yes, the game. The Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil stuck their erasers above the .500 mark again this season, improving to a 6-5 record with a closer-than-it-looks 14-6 win over the Fighting Sammys of the Fleisher Art Memorial.
We galloped out to a 6-0 lead in the top of the first, but the laughing ceased when Fleisher came back for four in the bottom of the inning and it didn’t become a chucklefest again until the seventh and final inning.
It was something like 8-5 or 9-6 most of the way. We had the lead, but it was never put away until we added five more in the top of the seventh to secure the win for starting pitcher Chris Yasiejko and eliminate the save for the Management.
Along the way, the Red Inks collected 20 hits, including six of the extra-base variety. George Miller had a pair of doubles, Brian Donlen and Tom Hickey each had a triple, and Hayes instigated two home runs and finished his 3-for-4 day with four RBIs. Kerry O’Connor also had three hits, including a double. Two hits each for Julie Dugan (1 RBI), Kathy Matheson, Krause, Miller, Donlen (3 RBIs), and Yasiejko (1 RBI). Dan Rubin added an RBI on a sacrifice fly.
It should be noted that Tom Hickey played his second game of the season, breaking his 2010 record by one. He also steadfastly insisted on hitting line drives to the third baseman, who had proved by the end that he could, in fact, catch them.
In the field, we played very good defense, limited the Sammys to 12 hits and giving up just two runs and seven of those hits after the first inning. They brought only 25 batters to the plate in their last six at-bats.
So, it ended up looking like an easy win, and maybe it was. Apologize to those who did not dent the scorebook – particularly Sheila Ballen who waited until 11:06 p.m. to get into the game and then finally gave up. It should also be noted that we won the game despite Dan Rubin’s decision to wear dress socks (see photo). There really isn’t much more to say about it.
Big day on Tuesday. We play the Franklin Institute with our hopes and dreams on the line and then… Hoagiefest! Yes, the annual celebration of the Summer Solstice and prepared meat products. More details as they become available. Get your running in and shut the fuck up.
(Photos by Jon Snyder)
"And then fucking Ford says, 'C'mon, Beej. Let's go break this up.' And I'm, like, 'Oh, yeah, asshole. That sounds like a good idea. I'll be right there.'"

WE FINALLY TASTE THE BUBBLY

2011-06-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

Last week, if you recall, or if you merely scroll down a post, we discussed “five sneaker” teams and “five jeans” teams, and the enduring truth that there are certain things that separate winners from losers in this maddening game we like to call softball.
Now, thanks to our own Dan Rubin, the cultured connoisseur and columnist, we have a new addition to the lexicon. We, and by “we,” of course, I mean the rest of you, are apparently a “Pellegrino” team.
Bringing a knife to a gun fight is nothing compared to bringing a case of Pellegrino to a softball game, but that is just how we roll. What’s next? Brie Cheese Puffs, staining our fingers the color of clotted cream? I mean the fucking gluten-free pretzels are one thing, but Pellegrino?
Ah well, we survived on Tuesday, but just barely, finishing off a two-day doubleheader of a week with some yin against the Please Touch Museum to go with the unsatisfying yang of Monday’s result against the South Philly Tap Room. (You think a Tap Room team would bring Pellegrino? They drink beer and piss nails.)
Let’s get to it, starting with Monday and the nailpissers at lovely Edgeley 8. As students of this season know well, we went extra innings with the Tap Room in our first meeting this year and lost by a single run, keeping Mark Nevins’ managing record at 0-for-life.
Well, we did it again, losing 14-11 in eight innings, a game that was just painful in so many ways, even if you weren’t Brian Donlen.
The Tap scored six runs in the first inning and we were clawing back all evening long after that, finally catching up and taking an 8-7 lead in the bottom of the sixth. Careful mathematicians will note that SPTR scored just one run in the second through sixth, which is very good defense for us and limpid offense for them. We caught the ball, we threw the ball. They mostly popped out.
Now just three more outs like that and we win, but they hunkered down and scored four times in the top of the seventh to take an 11-8 lead. Top of the lineup, boom, boom, boom, etcetera. It would have been much worse, but Chris Brennan made the play of his life to end the rally.
Man on first, Brennan playing first and left-handed Joe Kenney rips a seed down the line. Brennan backhands the ball around his knees (first incredible thing), then realizes he might be able to double off the startled runner (the realization being the second incredible thing). So, he dives headlong at the base, actually reaches it and slaps his glove on the base a moment before the runner gets back. He looked like a Secret Service man throwing himself on a hand grenade, but it was effective.
In the bottom of the inning, we also had leadoff set up and Russ Krause, George Miller and Marcus Hayes got us back in the game. Single, single, three-run donk into left-center, aided somewhat by Al Heinle’s uncharacteristic throwing error. Like we wouldn’t take it.
So no outs and we need one more run to win it. We get the winning run to third base with two outs, courtesy of a key knock from Kerry O’Connor, but, alas, Brennan – perhaps chuffed from his previous labors – just missed on his base hit attempt into left. A quarter-inch higher on the ball and it’s a line drive over short. A quarter-inch lower and it’s a bomb over the left fielder. Instead, it was a hard-hit drive into the Joe Kenney’s glove. Funny game, sometimes.
It got a lot less philosophical in the eighth. Tap scored three more times and we didn’t do dick in the bottom of the inning and, well, line up, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, go fuck yourself.
Bright spots? Donlen did not, in fact, break his ankle getting doubled off third in the second inning. Sheila Ballen did not get molested at second base again, and played sparkling defense. We had 27 hits, which is a lot. But it also means, counting that one double play, that we left 15 runners on base. Tsk, tsk.
Four hits each for Krause and Miller. Three hits for Donlen, Rubin and the Management. Bunch of people with two hits and if we had won I might feel like naming them. We drank until it got dark and then left. The Franklin Institute guys – the spectators – hung around. As if they’ve got something better to do.
Now, Tuesday. Here are the previous scores this season for the Please Touch Museum: 32-6, 26-8, 28-2, 17-6, 20-8, 21-11, 19-12, 14-3. All losses. 0-8. Average score: 22-7. That 26-8 result in there. That was us.
“This is the 2011 Respectability Tour,” former manager Frank Luzi told me. “We’re just looking for a respectable score.”
Well, hello, folks. Come meet the Pen & Pencil. Is 7-4 respectable enough? Because that was the score of our win on Tuesday. We scored five runs in the first and then two the entire rest of the game, which was over in, like, 45 minutes.
It wasn’t a fluke. They scored three of their runs in one inning on a series of sharp hits and we nodded off and dreamed of iced Pellegrino and free range pork rinds. We left seven runners in scoring position and, hey, it was still better than Monday.
The game ended with two runners on base for them and the real possibility that we could drop a turd in the punch bowl. Instead, Julie Dugan went hard to the backhand for a grounder up the middle, stepped authoritatively on second base and ended things. Hayes, who was scoring on the bench (and also keeping the book), circled the play and drew hearts around it. Of course, he did.
Line up, good game, good game, good game, good game, good God, someone get me some Pellegrino. I’ll drink it from my cup.
Three hits each for Stick Lynch and O’Connor. Two each for Miller, Nevins, Brennan (Jesus, what a week!) and the Management. Ron Goldwyn, who played stellar first base, got robbed on a line drive in the first. Jon Snyder had a sac fly and was also robbed on a liner. Miller batted left-handed and hit an 18-inch single. I guess once you’ve written that sentence it’s time for the boffo finish.
Interesting couple of games. A little too interesting some might say. Next time someone asks if you prefer Tap or Pellegrino, take the bubbly. We’ve seen enough of Tap for this season.
"How in the name of God did I ever get mixed up with these clowns? I'm going to kill B.J."

OUR DAY IN THE SUN

2011-06-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, it was blindingly hot under the interrogation lamp of Dairy 2 on Tuesday against the undefeated, first-place Griffons of the Art Museum. We have history with this field and with that team, some of it from our Renaissance Period and some from our quirky Post-Modern phase.
The Art Museum used to be what we referred to as a “five jeans team,” which meant that approximately that number of players on the field would, in fact, be wearing jeans. This is not to be confused with a “five sneakers team,” which I’m sure you can figure out, although the Art Museum was occasionally that as well.
One should not lose to a “five sneaker” or a “five jeans” team and usually we did not. The Art Museum has put away its denim past, however. It’s a really good fucking team. The Griffons swept the first half of the season, beating all seven opponents, and they didn’t do it with mirrors. Beat the Collar by 10. Beat the Tap by nine. Beat Franklin 12-10 in a great game.
Art has progressed from “five jeans” to “T-shirts” to “only has one bat” to “good bats” to “batting gloves” to “can turn double plays” to “wristbands.” There’s only one more level for them to go. “Eyeblack team.” I think they can get there.
Anyway, it was hot and you couldn’t see and you knew it was going to be a low-scoring game. We went extra innings with the Art earlier in the season on Dairy 2, only to lose in eight innings. That was a depressing game. And as we rolled along Tuesday, scoring just three runs in regulation, we knew it was going to probably take extra innings again. So it did.
Until I saw the scorebook, I thought it was only eight innings again. Turns out, according to Ron’s immaculate scorekeeping, that it was a nine-inning game and a 5-3 win over the Arties. What do you know about that? It seemed a lot hotter.
Where to begin? I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank Marcus and Brian Donlen for driving in a couple of runs in the top of the ninth. Otherwise, we’d still be playing. I’d like to thank Marcus yet again for starting an unbelievable double play in the bottom of the eighth that took the Management off the hook for a bonehead oversight that probably should have lost the game.
There’s a lot of thanking to go around, but I’d also like to thank someone that five runs and 14 hits in nine innings was somehow enough to win a slow-pitch softball game. In case there was any doubt, however, we will take it.
The Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil scrawled their signature win of the season so far, evening their record at 4-4 by knocking off the Griffons. Details? Sure.
We exploded for one run in the first inning and probably would have gotten more except for a couple of nice running catches in the outfield by the Art Museum. Donlen had the first of his two RBIs on the day in that inning.
The Arties tied it 1-1 on a solo shot by Darryl in the second, but we responded with two runs in the third inning. Russ Krause and Steve Lynch singled. Mark Nevins knocked home one run and Hayes scored another with a sacrifice fly.
That 3-1 lead lasted until the sixth inning when the Griffons scored twice to tie the game and make things nervous indeed. We had a right to be nervous, since we were in the midst of a stretch in which 15 batters would go up and down without reaching base. We were 1-2-3 in the fourth through seventh innings, which is hard to do.
In the bottom of the eighth, with one out and a man on first, Tall Kyle had an infield single that Brian Donlen was able to glove in the hole, but The Management fell asleep on the mound and the winning run scampered to an uncovered third base.
So, with one out still, and runners at the corners, it didn’t look so good. Dinky ground ball to the right side and the game is over. But the next batter hit an absolute rocket up the middle, which somehow became a good thing. The Management had the liner tick off his glove (10 years earlier and he would have had it), and Hayes gathered in the liner at short and threw a seed to Brennan to double off the runner at first to end the inning. It was not only a ‘wow’ moment, but it earned Hayes an official Sheila Ballen for State Rep beer cozy, and you know what those are worth.
Given new life, the Red Inks started a two-out rally in the ninth. Lynch and Nevins singled. Hayes knocked in one run with a hard grounder to second, and Donlen singled into left to send in some insurance.
Art got the leadoff runner on in the bottom of the ninth, but then it was three straight outs and the end of the proceedings. It was the finish of an excellent evening in the field. Art scored in just two of the nine innings and we pretty much limited them to three outs per, which is the key to winning these things.
There were some really nice plays. Donlen’s stab to the line in the seventh, then turning to throw out the runner from somewhere near the fence was remarkable. Marcus broke Julie’s glove with a throw. The Management tried to amputate his own left hand by using it (rather than the goddam glove) to stop a hard grounder. That was particularly smart. And then there was that double play in the eighth. Did we mention it earned Hayes a Sheila Ballen cozy?At bat, three hits for Donlen and Nevins. Two each for Hayes and Lynch. Top five in the batting order were 11-for-19. Bottom seven were 3-for-22. If we ever figure that out, we might get somewhere.
Well. Next week is another one. In fact, two. We play Monday and Tuesday. So get your running in. The Management would like to apologize to Tommy and Ron for not denting the scorebook, and to Jon Snyder and Mike Galan, who only got one swing. Better days are coming, although this one was pretty good.
(Photos by George Miller (top), Jon Snyder.)

QUITE A QUICK TUMBLE

2011-05-24T10:19:00.001-07:00

The Pen & Pencil Club went from the highest highs to the lowest lows on Monday evening at the sloping slop of Edgeley 4. Starting out very well, the Red Inks had their knees taken out in the middle of the game against Bishop’s Collar and then limped to the finish.
The final score showed a 17-9 loss, even though the outcome felt as it if should have been even closer and more painful than that. It wasn’t just a loss. It was an annoying loss. We had control of the game, stopped hitting, suffered death by a thousand paper cuts in the field and then got further annoyed when we didn’t get a couple of calls – which happens – and spoilsport Rob ran all the way from Diamond Street to get poor Kathy Matheson at first after she had fallen down. While holding an eight-run lead.
Ah, well. We’re probably pretty annoying when we win, too, although who really remembers? We like the Prelate’s Neckbands well enough, and none of the annoying stuff decided the outcome. We lost fair and square, so let’s try to figure out how the hell that happened.
The P&P opened with four runs in the top of the first on six straight leadoff hits and then did the same thing in the third, with five of six hits from the top of the order. Mark Nevins and Brian Donlen knocked in three runs each and Dan McElhatton and Marcus Hayes had the other two RBIs as we took an 8-1 lead heading into the bottom of the third.
That was when the rain should have come, but it started raining bloops, bleeders and bullshit instead. We got two quick outs in the bottom of the inning and then leadoff man Rob looped a single just over third base and and the deluge was on. With the exception of a home run by Jeff, which was legit, it was nothing special, with a heaping helping of hard grounders to the right side to pick on Sheila Ballen at second.
Ahead just 8-7 heading into the bottom of the fourth, we decided to quietly move Sheila to third, move Donlen to second and see if they noticed. They did, unfortunately, and knocked it around enough for another six spot, which would augmented by four more in the sixth. So, no excuses there. We gave up some runs.
On the other side, however, we scored just a single run in the sixth and totaled just 17 batters in the final four innings. For the game, our first six hitters were 13 for 17, and the bottom six positions in the batting order were 5 for 18. It happens. McElhatton was 2 for 2 with a sacrifice fly for his second RBI. Donlen was three for three. Russ Krause, George Miller, Nevins, Hayes and Chris Yasiejko were all 2 for 3. For their part, the Collar did what they always do, 23 of their 26 hits were singles. You'd think we'd have learned.
Now, a word about sportsmanship, a concept about which the general manager has always warned me. From the third base coaching spot, I called all the close ones in BC’s favor, mostly because that’s the way I saw them, but also because if they make a nice play – like Mike DiNardo’s charge at third and throw to second to force out Yaz – and the ball gets there cleanly, well, whatever. It’s an out. If Phyllis says she wasn’t juggling the ball, well, fine. We’re friends.
Which brings me to my good friend John Spencer, who was coaching third in the sixth when Dougie came sliding in – with a six-run lead at that point, zero outs, and the bottom of our batting order coming up in the seventh. The ball beat him, Donlen got the glove down and, sure, it was close. But he was out. As you can see from the photograph, Spence had great position to make the call. Perhaps he was distracted because he was also scratching his ass vigorously at that moment, and, in that instant, didn’t know his ass from third base. But, alas, Dougie was safe.
And I didn’t even bring up the takeout slide on Ballen at second early in the game. Which I simply am not going to mention. It would piss me off.
As Brennan would no doubt say, “That’ll teach you.”
Sigh. Art Museum next week. Lost in extra innings to the Arties last time. We can do better and so we shall.[Photos by Jon Snyder (5), Dan Rubin (1, 3b slide)].

DON'T GET A BIG HEAD

2011-05-16T19:25:00.001-07:00

There’s still a lot of work to do this season, but, yes, after back-to-back, extra-inning losses, it felt good to score some runs and get a win on Monday night on Edgeley 8 against the wild animals of the Zoo.
The Red Inks scored early and often, built a big lead and coasted to a 17-6 win. The highlight of the game was the just-in-time arrival of Kathy Matheson, which not only gave us the requisite gender composition, but added two hits to an offense that would total 30 hits on the evening.
There were a lot of heroes in this one, led by rookie Russ Krause, who enjoyed a 5-for-5 night. Mark Nevins had four hits, and it was three hits for Brian Donlen, Marcus Hayes and Steve Lynch. All 14 players who took part got at least one hit, although Brennan cut it close, saving his for the seventh inning.
We scored five in the first inning and five more in the second and held a 16-1 lead entering the bottom of the sixth. The Zoo’s first run had come when leadoff hitter and captain Chris Oberlin homered to right field in the opening inning. After that, 23 straight hitters came to the plate without scoring.
The Zoo got back on the board in the sixth when the first two hitters singled and then Nevins decided to play in on Amanda, who was merely the best player on the field. She roofed him for a two-run triple and the Zoo posted a five-spot before the Management could recover its composure on the mound.
We scored a lot of our runs with two outs, so it was really timely hitting. I think it was eight runs with two outs, but the scorebook was a collaborative effort, so that’s kind of a guess.
What else? Chris and B.J. split time at first base and that was interesting. Lynch took a lot of grief from the Zoo guys because he works at the Zoo now. George and Mookie put on another fabulous Frisbee show. We drank beer until it started raining and then we left.
Big game Monday against Bishop’s Collar at Lake Belmont. Get your running in, and don’t let this one go to your head.

BABY, THAT SUCKED

2011-05-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

In honor of the 61st anniversary of the release of “Rashomon,” the story of Tuesday’s game, a second consecutive extra-inning loss, will be told through the eyes of five different observers. Perspective is everything, folks.
JACKSON NEVINS
I’ve been to a total of two softball games in my life, Tuesday’s game against the South Philly Tap Room being my second, so I don’t have a lot of context for this observation, but that game seemed really annoying.
I’m told that this has happened before. Victory, dangling every so temptingly in front of you like those annoying mobiles people keep putting on my crib. It’s right there for you to grab, and yet it eludes you.
My impression: the P&P Softballing Club needs to learn to close it out.
I ask you to consider the words of Alec Baldwin in the terrific Glengarry Glen Ross and remember the ABCs of softball: A - Always, B - Be, C- Closing. Always be closing. Coffee, as they say, is for closers and, right now, friends, this is not a team of closers. No coffee for you. Or for me because it will stunt my growth.
Fortunately, Yuengling and Miller Lite are for the moderately gifted and the actively disengaged, so there’s a silver lining.
You started strong with three runs in the top of the first, but the SPTR came back with four of their own in the bottom half, three of which came off of a tater by that Jeremy fellow. Something about him made me want to fart, so I did and I think it might have been a little wet. Anyway, from there it was a low-scoring affair. A run here and a run there ending up with the P&P down 7-5 heading into the top of the sixth.
Some good hitting from the heart of the lineup in the top of the sixth led to two runs from Good Guys and we had a tie ballgame. Very exciting. You closed out the Bad Guys in the bottom of the inning 1-2-3 and I responded with sounds that I can only assume were correctly interpreted as cheering.
On to extra innings we went.
In the top of the 8th, BJ Clark led off with a single. A promising beginning with Russ at the plate and the top of the order coming up. Sadly, Russ hit a sharp ground ball up the middle that was inexplicably snagged by Al, the oft-injured SPTR SS, which he turned into a 6-3 double play that required a backhanded pick by the SPTR 1B. It made me shit myself. Literally.
Jon Snyder closed the top with a flyout to left and the door was open for the Tappies.
Brian Wilmarth started with single, took second on a deep flyball to left, and scored on a single from John Benson. Game over. Good thing for me, too, because I was starting to get hungry.
The positives: As per usual, the book is a little unclear. Plus, I can’t technically read. Looks like we had multi-hit games from George Miller, Steve Lynch, my dad, Marcus Hayes, Dan Rubin, Yaz, and BJ Clark. Marcus had a well-struck triple.
The bad: We’re not turning the lineup over. The heart of the order was only up three times each. Not enough. Also, fewer fly balls, please. Line drives are nicer.
I look forward to many more games in the future with you guys, but I’m not coming back if you don’t start winning. Also, less cursing from George Miller, please. It’s not a brothel.
B.J. CLARK
Another extra inning heart breaking loss to the SPTR. Missing this year was their general whining, obnoxious bench coach and a seemingly innocous but fate-determining tree in right field. Interim Skipper Mark Nevins deftly prepared himself for any potential complaining or lobbying from his team by arriving with two very important things: a typed out spreadsheet detailing the lineup and positions to be played (by inning) and a baby. Who is going to give someone shit for batting seventh rather than fifth when they have a baby with them? The baby by the way looks like Mom and behaves much better than Chief. We can all be thankful for that.
The game got off to a rousing start with both teams hitting for power through the first turn of the lineup and producing runs on both sides, punctuated by a Marcus Hayes triple and some out of character small ball by us. If Marcus were Yiddish it would have been a home run (more on that later). One SPTR should not have scored because their ump at third blatantly gave them a call but as has been said before, it should not come down to one call. Both teams tightened up as the game went on. Runners got on base but the defense was tight and neither team was able to blow open an inning. Missing also, was the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey defensive inning by the P&P that usually puts us in the backseat for the late innings. The defense continued to hold into extra innings. P&P hoped for a rally in the eigth but those hopes were dashed by a steller 6-3 double play by SPTR. SPTR dinked and ducked a couple hits in the bottom half and after Marcus commanded the outfield to move in SPTR slapped another hit to the outfield and that was all she wrote. Marcus yelled something about us not speaking Yiddish. Luckily Passover ended weeks ago, Jesus was a golfer, the outfielders were too far away to hear him and everyone was too drunk to be offended.
Special thanks to Ed Cascarella for offering a new interpretation on a "safe" call and whoever brought the chips.
DAN RUBIN
Now how the hell am I to compete with that, especially when i haven't started writing my column for tomorrow? Oh, that's right. you ball boys were born on deadline. Well, screw the news, here's the sports. We lost, another tough one. Dogs barking, kids baying - none of it caused us to lose focus. The Soft Porn Players played hard until it counted. I'm all for blaming that third base coach. She was dreaming when she made that fatal call. We got an awesome catch from Russ, a mammoth blow from Marcus, and a very clean spreadsheet from stand-in coach Nevins, who also provided the baby.(Assist to the wife.) Coach Nevins worked everybody into the game or the act, including Fast Eddie C, he of the deke call. (Never before had I seen, at this level, a first-base coach call someone 'safe' by aiming his thumb over his shoulder.) Pitcher Yaz limited the beefalos from the South Philly Tapper to just a couple of moon shots, and never let the meat hook in right center, Elmer, get his whole bat on the ball, thank God. Again the cold beverages and salty snacks took the sting off the loss. May the Lord bless us and keep us healthy.
MARCUS HAYES
Women and Third Base. As alluring a beginning as that might be, it holds only defeat and dejection for the P&P. The Red Sexys had been robbed of a victory in a previous game by a call at third base involving a runner who happened to be a woman – who tagged, left early and scored a run that forced extra innings, wherein the PnPs lost. An appeal of the call disdainfully was rejected.
Against the SPiTteRs, on Tuesday night, it happened again. Sort of.
This time, with runners on first and second, Rapid Russ sped in from shallow leftfield , fielded a single on one hop and fired to third base, where he nipped the runner coming in from second.
At least, he did in this universe.
In the universe in which the third base coach/umpire resides, the runner was safe. Then again, had the umpire/coach actually been paying attention, the call might have been correct. Alas, it was not.
Said umpire/coach also happened to be a woman. Sigh.
Lest there be any accusation of misogyny, let it be said that, well, there isn’t.
And lest there be any accusation of sour grapes, well, there’s plenty.
The SPiTteRs won, 8-7, in eight innings -- a tough one to, er, swallow. It went eight innings mainly thanks to excellent PnP outfield defense and outstanding hitting and running by Steve Lynch and George Miller.
Next game Monday at Edgely 4 vs the Zoo, which holds special significance for Lynch, who works there. His co-workers are displeased with his defection to our team.
Let’s make them positively miserable.

GEORGE MILLER

Before the game started, Yaz looked off in the distance and, with a wisdom unexpected from him, he gravely announced, "Tonight's game will be close, and we'll come from behind, and then lose in the last minute."
Then, he returned to his normal demeanor. He made a goofy laugh and said, "Nah. I don't think that's really going to happen."
But it did.
We gave up a few runs early, though SPTR probably could have scored way more. The game remained surprisingly close as the Red Sexys played unexpected solid defense. In the extra frame, with the game tied and an SPTR runner at second, Marcus Hayes pulled the outfield in.
"A single scores this run, so play up," he bellowed.
The outfielders scoffed and took a step or two forward, but they didn't get in far enough to catch the loopy single the very next batter hit. The runner scored. SPTR eked out a victory.
Several players complained about a bad call at third base - a runner who was clearly out but called safe. But I think the game should be under protest until the SPTR right center outfielder undergoes a drug test. I kept hearing him saying, "I pick things up and put them down."

THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIZ

2011-05-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, much sadness abounds. On Tuesday, we lost a softball game and the services of Dr. Elizabeth Higgins, who will be tromping the streets of New York in her spandex operating smock, trying to rid that city of the perils brought about by hairballs and kennel cough.
Talk about a double dip. This one hurts.
Starting with the game, here’s an observation: Seventeen infield outs.
We played eight innings against the Art Museum at lovely Dairy 2, and, yes, we made 17 of our 24 outs in the infield. That doesn’t seem possible. I look at the scorebook and there it is, but, gosh, it’s slow pitch softball. That’s how far we were hitting the ball? Apparently.
Now, most of our oversight involved hitting the ball to Bryan at shortstop. He had six putouts and five assists all by himself, but we didn’t believe. We kept trying him. I am ready to declare that’s a bad strategy.
OK. We lose 12-8 in extra innings to Art. It was a good game by both sides, and, sure, they blew a call and we really won, but that’s the league we play in. It’s a loss in the books. So, let’s review.
Art scored five in the top of the first, plating five of their first six batters in the game. That wasn’t promising, but they went 20 batters before getting another run home. Chris Yasiejko started mowing them down, and the Griffons were scoreless until the sixth.
This should have opened the door for us, and it did to some extent. We scored two in the bottom of the first and maybe tossed one away when we tried to score George Miller on a triple that wasn’t quite a home run. We added six in the third inning to take the lead, 8-5, with 11 batters coming to the plate.
That was that, however, and we didn’t score after the third inning, somehow batting just 13 players in four innings from the fourth to the seventh. The lone runner was Mark Nevins. He wins the prize.
The Arties broke through for two runs in the sixth, one run (yeah, right) in the seventh to force extra innings, and then four more in the top of the eighth. We loaded the bases with one out in the bottom of the eighth, but didn’t get a run home.
Here’s the deal. If you cut it this close, and do this poorly when it matters, you can’t complain when there’s a call here or a call there. Put runs on the board and that takes care of things. We didn’t do that. Eight runs deserves to lose.
For the record, Kerry O’Connor and Mark Nevins had three hits. Steve Lynch and Marcus Hayes had two hits. That’s all that’s worth mentioning. Wish there was more.
Now, to the important stuff. This was the farewell game for our little girl, Lizzie. She’s off to pursue her dreams, because there aren’t any dogs and cats in Philadelphia, it seems. Come back when you can, Liz. We’ll miss you.

LOOKING GOOD

2011-04-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Not winning this one, unfortunately, but still looking good -- even if occasionally looking at strikes.

The Red Inks lost 14-5 to the five-time defending champion Franklin Institute on the breezy plateau of Dairy 2. We didn't make enough plays in the field or string together enough timely hits to prevent the outcome. Oh, well.

It was death by a thousand paper cuts as Franklin held a tenuous 9-5 lead heading into the bottom of the sixth. The Orcs didn't bring more than seven batters to the plate in any of the previous innings or score more than three runs in any of them. But they methodically got their two runs, then took the field to catch everything, which might be part of their secret. They scored five in the bottom of the sixth to wrap things up for sure. Again. Oh, well.

It was a good effort by us, and there were two major highlights to the game. The first was when Orc Captains Ryan Whitmarsh and Nick Ventrola popped out to the infield in succession on infield fly rules. Otherwise, the sixth would have been a lot messier.

The second came when Brian Donlen -- for all the youngsters who might have been tuning in -- demonstrated perfectly the old baseball adage that a batter should not swing at a pitch if it's not his. Now, it's true that Brian neglected to take the "two-strike" exception into account, but it was some solid fundamentals out there.

We managed just 14 hits for the game, not nearly enough, and didn't score after a four-run outburst in the third. Steve Lynch, Mark Nevins, Dan "I'm Back" Rubin, Jon Snyder and the Management had two hits each, which means everyone else went 4-for-20, and you know who you are.

Well, what of it. If we beat the Art Museum on Tuesday, we move back into first place. And that would definitely look good.

WE SMOKED 'EM

2011-04-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

The fabulous Red Inks of the Pen & Pencil Club improved their record to 2-0 on Monday night at swampy Lake Belmont with a resounding 26-8 win over the More Pleasant Touch Museum.

The game was notable for the fact that no one could see either the ball or each other for the first three innings, due to a celestial fireball 93 million miles away.

We got off to a somewhat slow start, particularly in the field. (Which is odd because the sun was at our backs then.) After three innings, our lead was an umimpressive 12-7, but we batted around, plus three batters, in the fourth inning, put a 9-spot on the board and it was all chuckles and Yuengling after that.

Eighteen players arrived and 18 took part in the game, including former manager and league commissioner Ron Goldwyn, and all five of the female roster players. It helps when you bat around five times to get everyone an at-bat, and any time you want to do that again, I'm all for it.

In the scorebook, Marcus Hayes was 4-for-4 with two home runs. Also getting four hits were Russ Krause, Kerry O'Connor and Brian Donlen. Three hits, including a home run for Mark Nevins and three hits for Tom DiNardo. Steve Lynch also had a home run, giving us four HRs in a game for the first time in...well, in a long time.

We compiled 36 hits for our 26 runs and brought the game home in 1 hour, 15 minutes despite the total of 34 runs. That might be a league record, too.

The Bad Touchers have lost a few players, but they hung in despite the score and took it good naturedly enough.

Aside from Lynch, we didn't take extra bases or do anything else that would have required much effort.

PTM scored its first four batters of the game and seven of its first 12 before going through a stretch of 23 batters who didn't score, a streak that was broken when the Management threw a home run pitch to Leon, and he sent it out there somewhere into the gloaming to complete the scoring.

Much more to come, and quickly, but this one was fun.

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

2011-04-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Just so we don't bask too long in the glow of our 11-9 opening night win over the Fleisher Art Memorial, let's take a quick look ahead at the week to come. It's one thing to beat an expansion team in its first-ever game, and it's quite another to have to face a couple of unpleasant rivals as they come off of opening losses.

Week 2 of the schedule features our first Monday-Tuesday doubleheader and we start with the Please Touch Museum at Lake Belmont 4, and have to recover to play the five-time defending league champion Franklin Institute Orcs at Dairy 2 on Tuesday.

Now, this would be a nasty bit of scheduling any time, let alone this early in the season. Since the Bad Touchers entered the league, we are 1-3 against them. The one win in 2009 was by a single run, and we were called douchebags by their manager during that game for a call at third and he refused to shake our hands. There's no sense mentioning his name because Frank's not that bad a guy it turns out, but nevertheless. The three losses have been by a combined score of 67-17. Yeah, and we're the douchebags.

So, we play these guys as they come off a 32-6 loss to the Zoo. Now, let that one sink in a little.

Not only had the Zoo never previously beaten the Please Douchers, but the Wild Animals had given up an average of 23 runs in the three prior meetings (there was also a forfeit by Zoo). I can't tell you the last time the Zoo scored 32 runs in a league game because Ron's records of that time period were all on papyrus and, well, let's just say they weren't properly preserved. I can tell you that the Zoo is coming off back-to-back 2-12 seasons in which the only wins were against the Academy of No Show. And I can further tell you (I don't like the karma in this one) that the Zoo's last win over a non-ANS opponent came in the 12th week of the 2008 season, a 15-10 decision over the Red Inks of P&P.

Well, that was exhausting research, but what it means is that the Touchers are not happy and they have us circled for Monday. Bring it on.

That leads us to Tuesday and the Orcs, who lost 11-10 to Bishop's Collar in a replay of last season's championship series -- although not the outcome. Franklin tends to stumble once or twice a season, but it's been some time since the stumbling was against us, and it's also been a while since the Orcs lost two in a row.

Much of the stumbling against the Prelate's Neckbands was done by birthday boy shortstop Ryan Whitmarsh who partied like it was 2004 and went 0-fer at the plate. He'll be trying to make amends against us.

Well, what of it? Instead of focusing on the challenge, let's concentrate on how good it will feel to sweep this week and sit atop the league standings with a 3-0 record. Let's wash away the pain of our history against these teams and forge a new beginning.

Failing that, let's have a few beers and play some ball.

DENTED, NOT BROKEN

2011-04-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you to everyone who called or dropped a note. After a kind of rough night, the aluminum clipboard is resting comfortably, but really isn't up for visitors just yet. I'll let you know and will certainly pass on your well wishes.
And, while we're on the subject, I want to thank Russ Krause for his time with the team. I think he made an impression on all of us, not to mention the clipboard.
For those of you not lucky enough to make it to fabulously refurbished Edgeley 4 on opening night -- and only 7 of our 24 members were absent -- the former Mr. Krause took out his aggression on a perfectly innocent inside pitch during the fifth inning. It had been sort of a tedious game, waiting for hitable pitches and watching the sun slowly fade behind the crack vials. The ensuing foul line drive was about to hit the management in a very inconvenient place and he was only saved when the trusty aluminum clipboard -- the one that contains the schedule and the scoresheets and the lineup sheets and the field permits and Cardboard Ron, and it's all alphabetized and everything; oh, and the highlighter and felt pen and extra S-hook -- when that trusty clipboard threw itself in front of the ball. Clang! This will teach the management not to loll about halfway down the line, leaning against the fence, seething about something or other.
Anyway, enough of that. The Pen & Pencil Club, sharply attired one must say, opened the Center City Softball League season with an 11-9 win over the Fleisher Art Memorial, an expansion team with an expansive notion of the strike zone. Named for Samuel Fleisher, who decreed that all seeking art instruction, regardless of a lack of either funds or discernible talent, should be given that opportunity. It's kind of the way they approach softball, too, but there's not sense being churlish. They gave us all we wanted and came within a couple more hits of a most unpleasant turn of events.
The Sammys scored five in the top of the first and four in the top of the seventh. In between, pitcher Chris Yasiejko shut them out, facing just 22 batters in those middle five innings. And it's a good thing because our half-innings were taking a while. We didn't score much. They just took a while.
We scored four in the first to get back in the game, led by a three-run home run by Steve Lynch into the trash can on Edgeley 3. We tied the game in the second with a single run and it stayed that way until we added three in the fourth, two more in the fifth and a single run in the sixth. Ahead 11-5, we felt pretty good until they took advantage of some good hits and poor fielding by us to score four more and bring the tie run to the plate with two out in the seventh. The batter scalded a sinking liner into right center that Jon Snyder charged. Snyder reached down and made a great shoestring spear of the ball to end the game, and not a moment too soon.
Details? A 3-for-3 night for George "Opposite Way" Miller. Two hits each for Kerry O'Connor, Brian Donlen, Tom Hickey, Mike Galan and former player Krause. Yaz pitched well. We caught a ball here and there, Brennan showed up muttering something about Milton Street, Lynch didn't wear the Yankees hat, Hickey came to his annual game. It was fine. It was a good start and, yes, the view from first place is wonderful. Our loyal fans from the Franklin Orcs were suitably impressed. We get to see them next week as half of our Monday-Tuesday doubleheader. Get your running in.